Getting Older and Needing More Alone Time
People are all born different. We also all go through different life experiences and we also all react to those experiences with different emotions and because of other experiences we’ve had. For me, I was an only child until I was about six, and then I had a baby sister. For the first six years of my life, I spent most of my time with my mom or by myself, or with my dogs. As a generation X child, growing up on a farm, without technology, I spent a lot of time outside and I had a very big imagination. I don’t think I was lonely in the sense that I didn’t spend any time thinking of that. I didn’t know what lonely meant because I knew my mom would always be there if I needed her, so I felt safe to explore and go out for hours alone at a time. I felt very secure because I hadn't needed to feel any differently.
Once my parents were divorced, I realized more what that word “alone” meant. I didn’t have my mom or my dad around a lot - I lived full time with my mom and spent only some weekends with my Dad. I had my sister, but since she was so young, I spent more time looking after her rather than “spending time” with her. My mom went from being a full time stay-at-home mom, to working out of the home and we would spend evenings and weekends together.
Once my mom remarried, I ended up spending a lot of time alone in my room, reading. In Grade 4, I started reading a lot of older Stephen King books, which took up a lot of my time. I was only close with maybe one or two friends growing up. I wasn’t overly social, and was more embarrassed when I got put on the spot by teachers. People mostly left me alone growing up, and I was ok with that.
In my twenties, I still felt more comfortable spending one-on-one time with people as opposed to being around big crowds. I could survive a crowd, but it always made me feel small and insignificant and sometimes I craved personal interaction. It was at this time I became afraid of being alone for some reason. If I was alone, I became really bored and didn't know what to do with myself. It’s almost like I couldn’t live or do fun things by myself - I had to wait for someone else all the time.
This feeling I had of not wanting to be alone wasn't disabilitating by any means. I could still go out and do things. I had my own car, and I worked almost full time, so it wasn't like I was completely dependent on anyone - I just didn’t like to be alone. When I went back to school, I was more of a loner, preferring to study and do assignments on my own or at home. I never attempted to work in a group setting, nor was I ever asked. I assume at this stage that I was giving off “keep away” vibes, which maybe contradicts how I was feeling at the time.
I honestly don’t think I started “coming into my own” until I had my first child. All of a sudden, it wasn’t just me anymore. I had this tiny human being who was completely dependent on me at all times. I was a single mom at the time, and I was so overwhelmed with the responsibility of having someone else depending on me for everything.
As time went along, I met my husband and we started to expand our family. I worked for many years during and after graduating from both of my degrees, and when I had my second child, I became a stay at home mom. I also became extremely bored. I realized I had always been super busy and staying home cleaning the house and child rearing just didn't keep my mind going. So, I decided to start my business.
Since then, I have struggled to find time to do things I once loved doing. I sometimes struggle to find time for self-care. My husband works out of town, and one would think that’s alone time unto itself, but I still have my kids. There is not one moment during the day that I am alone, unless you count my time in the morning when I get up at 5:00am to have my coffee and do my focus work.
My son does not fall asleep unless I’m there beside him, and so I literally have to go to bed in order for him to go to bed. Both kids are like me, in that they don’t like to sleep. It’s a wonder that I even get any work done at all. As I said above, this really does not leave room for my hobbies outside of work, or for self-care.
I find now, as an adult of 40 years, that I miss my quiet alone time. I feel like I’ve trained myself to increase my productivity to a point that is higher than it’s ever been in my entire life strictly because the faster I get things done, (maybe) there’s a chance I’ll have some quiet time at least once during the day. I usually try to be proactive in that I’ll always do extra work the day before so I have even more time the next day to just sit in the quiet and relax.
I alway think of that movie “Date Night” with Tina Fey and Steve Carell. They’re sitting in the car and he asks her what would make her happy. She replies “sitting in a quiet room, by myself, drinking a diet Sprite”. He replies that is so sad, but honestly, sometimes that sounds pretty good to me.
I do try to take advantage of all the small moments with my kids at this life stage, because I know it won’t last. I try not to judge too harshly or be too critical on my kids or myself, because I do want to cherish and remember these small moments. I know there will come a time when I will be alone again, and maybe at that time I’ll give a sigh of relief, or I’ll be bored out of my mind and craving company once more. I’m hoping to keep busy with my business still at that time, and maybe I’ll have time to finally get back into my art projects!
Sandra
