Making Yourself a Priority As a Parent
If you’re a parent, you know how everything changed as soon as your first little person entered this world. All of a sudden, you became responsible for providing for them, and ensuring they grow up and become a good person. It’s a lot of responsibility - and it never goes away. You always feel like you need to do things for them and (maybe not always provide), but you will be there in a pinch if they ever need you. Sound familiar?
At the time of writing, my kiddos are still young - they range in age from 9 years old to 11 months old. In my head, I thought, well why not have more? If I did the first, second, third…, I can do it again, and things (sort of) don’t change. All I know for sure is having kids is the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. I can’t exactly say its the most selfless thing I’ve done. Some people believe it’s selfish to have children in today’s “over-populated” world, where we are slowly deteriorating the Earth and leaving them to a desolate future. Other people think that it’s selfless because once you have them, you devote your world to them, and literally nothing is about you anymore. (Some people actually think it’s selfish to not have children because then you have more time and money for yourself). Regardless of what other people think, having kids is a tough business, and I’m not just talking about the pregnancy or the birth.
Kids cost money (especially if you’re saving up for their tuition). Money is the top subject that’s fought over the most in relationships. How it’s spent, where it’s spent, etc… You could go on and on. In our society where credit and money seem to make the world go round, it becomes the one thing on everybody’s mind, and if you don’t have enough of it, it can make life really tough and stressful.
When it comes to having time for yourself, sometimes it involves having money, and sometimes it doesn't. For example, if you have a book from the library, and you want to spend some time reading, that’s one thing. There are families out there who struggle to afford a library card and don’t have access to free resources.
Personally, I’m struggling with the idea of knowing that it’s important to make sure my cup is full so I have the energy to support others, but just not having the time to do so. At times, everything feels like a fight or a struggle. If I get ready to go out to karaoke to have some adult time, I’m always rushing last minute because I spent the entire night with my kids - making sure they got what they needed, and giving them baths. Then I have ten minutes at the end of the night to get ready. If, for example, I try to study with my son and help him do his homework/reading, he has a bad day and then it’s a struggle to get him to focus or pay attention on the task at hand.
For parents, I feel like we have this tug-of-war pulling us in opposite directions. We know we need self care and alone time, but then you feel guilty for wanting it. It seems there’s always something more you can do for your kids, so you do that instead. My “allocated” me time (reading) turns into kid time, and at the end of it, I’m too exhausted to have that shower or paint my nails or whatever it is I wanted to do. It’s ok if you do this a few times, but after always doing it, you get burned out. Then you realize something has got to give.
I realized this when I was doing my goal planning for 2024. There’s only so much time in the day. We have 24 hours and a lot of that is spent working and sleeping. We usually say the remaining should be dedicated to the things we hold most important in our lives, and that usually ends up being our families.
In an attempt to make myself a priority, I make sure to wake up early every day to have some alone time. If I decide to use that time for my business, that’s my problem, but at least I get that quiet time. (I know my kids, and they love their sleep)! The other way is when I do have a shower or a bath or something, I make sure to lock the door and I don’t let my kids follow me in. I tried that a few times, and they don’t stop talking!
Let me know if you have discovered ways to make yourself a priority! Thanks for reading and we’ll see you next time!
Sandra
The Benefit of Positive Affirmations for Children
When you do a good job at something, and it’s recognized with praise, it makes you feel good. But should praise only be given when something has been done? Everything we say and do has consequences, good and bad. Perhaps we need to be more purposeful in our praise, especially to children.
I have not yet talked about affirmations and the benefits they bring. As for children, I think it’s something that we should do as often as we can. Have you ever noticed that when you tell your kids they’re being bad or that they’ve done something wrong, their whole disposition changes; either they turn moody, or they get sad. What if we were to turn that around and instead of making them feel bad about their mistake (after all, they’re just children, and they are learning), we should get to the bottom of why. Wording is critical when speaking with children.
For example, if your child lies about something, instead of saying “You’re a liar!”, or, “You’re lying!”, get to the root of it and find out why. Maybe they’re embarrassed about something and the environment you’ve created is not safe for them to share why they’re not telling the truth. Now they are scared about sharing because they feel you’ll either judge them or criticize them.
The reason why children act out with parents more than anyone else is because they feel safest with you. They can show their true selves with you, hence the temper tantrums and the violent outbursts. All they really need is a warm cozy hug and love from you. They don’t need to be harassed or given a big lecture. All they really need is love and understanding.
So in the previous example, if you call your child a liar all the time, they may very well grow up to understand that they’re good at lying, and they’ll do it all the time. However, if you change the script and tell them that they’re a wonderful person and a beautiful soul, they’ll grow up believing that instead.
Simply, words have power. If you sincerely tell someone they’re great every day, they will grow up believing it. Instead of negatively conditioning our kids, lets do it in a positive fashion. Let’s leave them with positive and kind words.
For my kids, I tell them how smart they are every day and how beautiful they are. I don’t mean looks either (even though I’m biased because I think my kids are the cutest!). I mean that they have a beautiful soul and personality, and the potential for greatness.
We talk about changing the script for ourselves (instead of negative self talk, we use affirmations to build ourselves up and take our power back). So why aren’t we doing that for our kids as well? They are at the prime age of learning and growing, and this is the perfect time to make them feel worthy and get rid of that negative self-doubt we all experience.
Here are some examples of what you can say to your kids. Remember, you don’t need to just praise for a job well done; these words can (and should) be said all the time, freely and with love!
You are important and special
I am proud of you
You have been so kind today
I’m so happy you were polite
You are amazing
You are so smart and intelligent
I love when you share things with me
I love your hugs
I love how big your imagination is
You make me so proud
You are so brave
You are a good person
You worked so hard today
You have the best ideas
I love you
You are loved by so many people
These are just a few things you can say to your kids, but trust me, it will make a world of difference! Let’s give our kids their best fighting chance in life!
xoxo! Sandra
Parenting A Child With ADHD
Hello! Welcome back to my blog! Today, I want to discuss my thoughts and my personal struggles with parenting a child diagnosed with ADHD. First, I personally have an issue with labels. Remember, any of the “diagnoses” made by ourselves or doctors are just that - diagnoses and do not take into account the individual. (I.e. Two different children could have the same diagnosis, and it could present completely differently in each child). These labels that we give ourselves are just names to describe a pattern or condition that we repetitively see in living things. (i.e. Someone who cries all the time must be depressed). Humans feel like we need to study and pick apart every little thing there is. Each thing has a name (given by us) so we can talk about it and have a common understanding of what something is and how it presents).
A diagnosis for ADHD isn’t easy. It’s not hard either. Usually the teacher of school age children will notice it first if the parents already haven’t. I actually heard recently that ADHD falls on the Autism Spectrum, but this is not true. If you have one disorder, the chances are higher that you may have the other. I have not done detailed research, but I’m learning different ways and coping mechanisms to make my life easier (for me), for my family and for my ADHD-diagnosed child.
The diagnosis for ADHD cannot be made with any precision. It’s simply a questionnaire filled out by the teacher and caregiver. If the doctor sees a lot of similarities that represent the mental disorder, the doctor states that the person has ADHD. It’s not black and white, and any symptoms are different for each child.
If you look it up online, ADHD is called Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. ADD (Attention deficit disorder is the outdated term for the same disorder). Kids are usually diagnosed once in school, because it’s a lot more noticeable once they have to pay attention and follow directions.
Examples for my child involve not listening, cannot follow instructions or directions and makes careless mistakes. He also has issues with dyslexia. Besides for the popular mistaking “d’s”, “b’s”, and “p’s”, he has poor concentration, difficulty following instructions, and he easily forgets words.
I have struggled more recently since my son has been attending school. I’ve noticed great difficulty in getting him to do anything. Part of me wonders if that’s from ADHD, or him just being a kid. (lol). My greatest concern when he started Grade 1 was the listening factor. My son was born before the hearing test at birth became mandatory. I wondered if maybe he had hearing issues, so I made a specialist appointment through my doctor and found out that his hearing was just fine. (To my utter exasperation!) It’s like we need something to explain away what problems we have in order to feel justified in our feelings. It was at this point I thought something else might be in the works (ADHD), and we made the appointment.
When I first found out, I learned how to become a good communicator with his teacher. Sometimes I found this to be a bit of a struggle. Every teacher is different, and while I’ve never had a teacher not want to work with me and my son, sometimes it feels like some teachers are able to afford more time, and others not. For Kindergarten and Grade 1, my son was on an IPP (Individual Program Plan). This is before we confirmed his ADHD diagnosis. I was a little taken aback that my son was on an IPP, because when kids are in kindergarten, how do you really know? All kids at that age seem crazy. However, it allowed the staff a way to teach my son which was only to his benefit.
Besides for the listening difficulties, (we can call his name about five times before he responds), he also is quick to anger, never falls asleep easily, and gets irritated and frustrated quickly, especially over something he doesn't understand.
Over the years, our way of dealing with his reactions has changed. Since he is my first child, it was really a learning experience, and every new situation took some time to adapt to. At first, it was easy to get angry and over-react because he wasn’t listening. As we went, and learned more about the disorder, we began to realize that routines were key. For our son, keeping to a strict schedule is what’s best because it limits the anxiety he feels with surprise or change. It’s hard sometimes having to explain to other family members about not being able to do certain things because we need to keep a certain routine for our child’s mental health.
Another thing that we find works well is letting him know ahead of time what’s about to happen. (Again, limiting the surprise). Instead of saying “time for bed”, we say “you have ten minutes before you need to get ready for bed” (following the routine). It’s difficult for us, (even though I’m a huge planner), because we always need to be on top of everything all the time, despite our personal struggles we have as adults.
We really try to have as much patience as we can when interacting with our son. Sometimes it’s easy to get frustrated, especially when helping with homework that he doesn't understand. In this, we have a benefit because I am a certified teacher. Teaching is all about giving students different ways or methods to solve problems on their own, and to come to their own conclusions. When I can show my son a new or different method to solve a problem, and it helps him understand better, I feel elated that I was able to help him.
Positivity works some of the time, and distraction is what I tend to use if nothing else is working. If all of a sudden, he’s having a freakout, I distract him with something I know he likes to do, and it takes his mind away from the problem at hand.
I do find it very challenging explaining that I have more issues with my nine year old son sometimes than I do with my other children. (This is putting it mildly as my baby has cystic fibrosis, and my three year daughter is very smart). It’s especially challenging explaining it to family members that don’t see it all the time. Previously, ADD or ADHD was seen as a “make-believe” disorder to accommodate challenging kids. Parents were judged as not being fit parents because they couldn’t even handle their own children. Trust me, this is not the case. Similar to depression, there is much more awareness of this disorder today than there was in the 80’s and even the 90’s.
Thank you so much for reading today’s blog. Please feel free to reach out in the comments, or email me at sandra_carren@hotmail.com if you have comments or questions.
Take care parents!
Sandra
How To Stay Sane When Your Kids Are Driving You Crazy
I’ve heard it said once that people without kids are happier. I’m sure studies have been done to show that people with kids show much higher stress levels than people without kids, but children also bring you inconspicuous amounts of of joy too. It can never really be known for sure whether people without kids would be happier with kids or vice versa, because you’ll never know the difference. So, if you do have kids, and your hair is standing on end like mine, here are some of my ideas on how to cope.
Idea #1:
Separate yourself from the kids. I was told a long time ago when I had my first child that if your baby wouldn’t stop crying and you just couldn’t handle it anymore, to place them in their crib, or somewhere safe, close the door and walk away. Even if they’re crying. I’m sure you’ve noticed it’s anyone’s first inclination to pick up a baby as soon as they cry. (One of my pet peeves when it comes to relatives visiting actually). This allows you to take a breather, even if it’s for a few moments. It also prevents you from getting frustrated and doing possible harm to your child.
If your children are older, simply lock yourself in your room or the bathroom for a few moments (as long as you know your children are safe). Again, this quick separation allows you a few moments to breathe and calm down. (Why do kids always want to follow you into the bathroom anyway?)
Idea #2:
Separate your kids. My baby is generally well behaved and only cries if hungry, tired or is uncomfortable. My two older children sometimes like to fight. I notice that they keep picking on one another until a fight ensues, or until one of them gets over-stimulated. (Yes, overstimulation is actually a thing). I send one or both of them to their room, even if only for a few minutes. This gives them time to calm down and they become quiet and their “normal” selves once more.
Idea #3:
Take some “me” time. If you can find someone to watch your kids for a weekend, an overnight or even a few hours (even if it’s still in your own home), take the opportunity to do something for yourself. Spend some time completely by yourself for quiet time. Goodness knows you don’t get any when the kids are around. I enjoy reading, painting or drawing if I get enough time.
Idea #4:
Take some time off to work on your relationship. Having children can put a lot of stress on a relationship. One partner may work outside the home to support the family, and one partner might be at home all day with the kids and taking care of the household responsibilities. This can lead to loneliness, frustration and anger. Take time to communicate and spend time together without the kids. (Trust me, this is equally as important as spending time all together as a family).
There are things you can’t always say when kids are present. It also allows you time for intimacy, and for doing things together that you may have enjoyed before having kids. For example, my husband and I love to go to karaoke to sing. We allow ourselves that adult time and time away from little people. It’s a time where we aren’t always preparing food for them or changing diapers. If you can’t get a relative to watch your children so you can get out, it’s worthwhile setting up a sinking fund for a babysitter. Even if you get out together at least once a month, you will notice a big positive shift in your relationship.
Idea #5:
If you can’t leave the house, and the other options won’t work, just start a breathing exercise. Breath in through your nose deeply, and out through your mouth. Do this while counting to ten and it will really help. I know everyone says “count to ten” or take a few deep breaths, but this will prevent you from saying things you might not mean, or things you would regret later on. It allows you a moment to choose a different way to react to a stormy two year old screaming at the top of your lungs.
Idea #6:
Sometimes, when all of your kids are going off the deep end and having temper tamtrums, it can really be overwhelming. One of my kids might say something really mean (that of course, they don’t really mean or understand, but kids don’t know how to regulate emotion as well as adults do), and it will make me want to cry. In these circumstances, I go to the bathroom or bedroom and I cry. It actually really helps to release the pent up frustration and emotion, and at the end of it, I feel sooo much better.
Back in the “old days”, we were always told to never fight in front of our children or have those “difficult” talks in their presence. I was told to never show emotion in front of my kids, but I don’t listen to that. I think it shows your kids that even as parents, we’re human too. The conversation after is equally or even more important. I think it’s the same concept as explaining to a child why they can’t have something or why you said no. Lessons are valuable. Children need understanding, and this means we need to communicate with them. Without that, they won’t learn and grow to be the kind of humans we want them to be. Remember, we all deserve understanding and respect, no matter our age. Children can be wild and crazy and everything in between, but the scope of our love for them is infinite. Just remember to be kind to yourself as well.
Thank you so much for reading! I hope these ideas have helped you in your own parenting journey!
Love,
SAN ❤️
The Best Nasal Aspirator For Babies
It all begins with an idea.
Hi fellow parents! This is a new section of my blog. I realized that I have three kids, and while mentioning that fact in other blogs, I haven’t actually focused on parenting issues. So if you have kids as well, let’s commiserate, shall we?
As you know, babies have limited ways to get rid of congestion. Usually, they can sneeze and dislodge whatever is inside. Sometimes this doesn't always work. You can use nasal drops which will help soften the inside of the nose. Then the child can either sneeze it out, it goes down the throat, or, we can use a nasal aspirator.
Now with my older children, for some reason, I never had the opportunity to use a nasal aspirator. My third though is extremely congested. This is the result of a medical condition that I will discuss in a blog in the near future. However, I have learned how to deal with his congestion and sometimes, part of the routine includes using a booger sucker!
To date, I have used three different brands. All of these brands can be purchased from Amazon. I have some thoughts about each of these, some good and some bad. Please read on for further information!
FridaBaby Nasal Aspirator with Hygiene Filters: I actually purchased this when I had my second child, and then just ended up never using it. When I realized I needed one for my third, I actually forgot I had this one and ended up purchasing the two below first. After a go with them, I tried this. I think I started to not like the Hydrasense one, and the BBLüv broke. I like this one, because again, the tip is wide enough that it does not enter baby’s nose. However, it is made out of hard plastic and is extremely hard to clean. It comes with many sponge filters for replacement.
Hydrasense Nasal Aspirator Starter Kit: This kit includes a few one-time use vials of saline solution, and includes the aspirator. I enjoyed the saline solution, but ended up purchasing more on their own later on. This aspirator is also soft, but the tip is really narrow and fits right inside baby’s nose. When it does this, it tends to go farther up than you intend and it irritates baby’s nostrils. It is easier to clean than the FridaBaby though.
BBLüv Nöse Filter-Free Baby Nasal Aspirator: This one came in a little plastic kit. Instead of a filter, it has a plastic part separating where you are sucking in, and the part you put near baby’s nose. You wash it thoroughly after each use, but I do not know how it holds up to boiled or microwaved water for sanitization purposes. This is the first one that I actually tried, and I really loved it - until it broke. The plastic “filter” inside broke off since it’s only attached with a tiny piece of rubber. This one was my favourite still, because the tip wasn’t too skinny that it went right up in baby’s nose (it can hurt the sensitive nose area), and it was squishy enough that you could clean it easily. I had to repurchase because I did love it, and the price is right, around $13.99.
Those are the only ones I’ve tried to date. Let me know if you have tried a good one that worked well for you and your baby.
Thanks for reading!
From, the Mom and Dad’s Club…LOL
Sandra