My Thoughts on the Pandemic

Hi everyone! Welcome back to my blog. As I’m writing this piece, I must warn you that this topic is my opinion only, based on what I have been through, what I know, and what I see. I have not done research on past pandemics nor do I care to look at the specific numbers related to this topic today. (You’ll hear why if you continue reading). So, first, a warning: I am speaking on the current pandemic and all the things associated with it. This is a sensitive issue and may be offensive to some readers.

First off, I decided to write this article with great trepidation. It has been on my mind for the past few months, that not a great many people are able to speak on this topic, because they are either afraid of what other people will say, or corporations are removing the content. I think it is important to note that we live in Canada with all the freedoms and benefits that come along with that. (Not using the current lockdowns and limitations as an example, of course). I have been working hard over the last few months, gathering my thoughts and deciding how to share them or even if I should. I write this as a frustrated individual, mostly because I feel like I can’t do anything about it. It’s like those dreams where you are just standing by and can’t move. However, this is very real - it’s not a dream, but it is a nightmare.

I’m trying to be very real and authentic here, and I should share a bit about my background and who I am so you can see where I’m coming from. I do have a very fatalistic view of life. I have said before that I am not religious. Perhaps more agnostic than anything - I believe in spirituality, but not souls, unless you count having neurons as being a “soul”. I have a very scientific related background; two degrees from the University of Alberta in Science related fields. I see what humans are doing to the world - i.e. ozone layer depletion, smog, over-population, deforestation, etc…I believe in Mother Nature and relationships (i.e. Coyote population increases, they eat all the rabbits, and coyotes die of starvation thereby decreasing the population until the rabbit population starts to increase again). I see myself sort of like the character, Dr. Ian Malcom in Jurassic Park. There is a scientific explanation for everything. Also, there are checks and balances which occur in nature. Against all odds, nature always finds a way.

In order to organize my thoughts better, I will give you a list of topics that I want to write on. This way, you can jump to that topic and skip others if you want to.

• Tornado Analogy & Sensitivies

• Media & Corporations (News, Facebook)

• Scare Tactics, Reporting & Flocking

• Financial Stress & Job Security

• Anxiety, Depression & Suicide

• Drugs, Alcohol & Abuse

• Effect on our Children

• Economy

• Previous Illness & The Elderly

• Depressing the immune system

• Vaccine & Covid Variants

• Similarities & Differences to Other Illnesses

• Putting It All Together - The Social System

Tornado Analogy & People’s Sensitivities

A long time ago, when I was studying atmospheric science, I told my mom that I would give anything to see a tornado in real life. Her reply was, “You want to see people get hurt and die?”. Of course not! I’m a bit of a humanist and in my mind, it was nothing personal - I don’t want anyone to get hurt or die; I just want to see a tornado.

By writing this article, or posting statistics on Facebook, or voicing my opinion does not mean I’m being purposely insensitive, hateful, hurtful or attacking anyone. My sister posted stats on Facebook and she had comments that she was being rude, ignorant or insensitive. She even had someone private message her that they agreed with what she posted. But why the need for privacy? Why can’t we say how we feel? When is it wrong to voice an opinion on something you feel strongly about? This pandemic is larger than any one person and the damaging effects are seen in every aspect of our life: economical, social, and our very foundation of our life as we know it; not just the health industry.

My Dad passed away of lung cancer many years ago. If someone says something negative in regards to him and smoking, I agree with them. Even if I didn’t agree, it’s their right to have an opinion. Regardless of who is right and wrong, we have evidence of harm; in both my example (my Dad is dead), and in the Pandemic (our society as a whole is failing). We’re treating the Pandemic like it’s a deadly plague from a Stephen King novel. The problem is, most of us are going to survive and move on from the disease itself, but to what end? Will we have homes? Jobs? Educated children? Will we need to revert to a barter system? As seen in the example of coyote and rabbits above, we need a balance for our social survival.

Media & Corporations

So we all know that we get our news through the media. Some people believe that the media is biased, reporting on some issues and not always others. This is sometimes true, but they are answering to a higher corporation: the government. We always hear it said “That’s the media for you!”, but in reality the media (namely news corporations) are a scapegoat. They only report things that the more powerful corporations want you to hear.

The same goes for other “corporations” like Facebook. For instance, I’ve seen numerous occasions where posts are deleted or taken down because they’re considered bad, or harmful. However, at the beginning of this pandemic (March of 2020) I posted a video of medical professionals talking about the effects of Covid on our society and the number of deaths vs. the sick and it was removed. My sister also has posted various statistics and posts about covid and they have been removed. So here’s the question: why? Why are they silencing certain things and not others (i.e. the number of covid cases is reported every single day on the news.

Scare Tactics, Reporting & Flocking

For those people who actually watch the news anymore, you will note that the number of positive cases of covid is ALWAYS reported, along with how many tests have been doled out as well as deaths. Not always do they say at what ages these deaths occurred. Some people would argue that it doesn't matter - a death is a death. I say it absolutely does matter. No one wants their loved ones to die. However, if I hear that an elderly person dies, I understand that to be the natural order of things, compared to if a child or young adult dies. In addition to this, the number of deaths are truly accurate, as death is an official record. People are told to get a Covid test, but it also makes sense (and we were actually told to do this at the beginning) to stay home and get well and not go anywhere. Why would I go out if I’m sick, unless of course I’m having difficulty breathing and my inhaler doesn’t work? There are people who have been sick and have not had a test done, so when the Media reports the numbers, death rate seems higher than it is (in relation to Covid cases), because covid cases are not always reported.

I listen to what people are saying. Anyone I talk to these days is always talking about covid and that we need to protect ourselves because “cases are increasing”. (That may or not be what is currently happening - again, I told you I don’t care about the actual numbers and won’t speak on it at all. However, I say this in the general sense of the word, in regards to lockdowns and restrictions). People are saying these things because they hear them on the news. Does it really matter how many people have covid? Well sure, you might say; it might mean a higher chance of getting it yourself. Why are we so scared? We are safer distancing, not touching, not seeing loved ones, wearing masks for an indefinite period and staying in our homes. Now if we don’t do these things, the government has also said it will be enforced by peace officers. At the beginning, we were told that we would get a fine for not wearing a mask in a public place. As an example, I was in Costco one day and there was a disturbance down the aisle I was in. Two employees were hounding a customer because she was not wearing a mask. She may have had an exemption, but it didn't matter - she had to leave the store or they were going to call the police, they threatened. (Tangent: I’m pretty sure the police have much more important matters to attend to. I called them once because I saw a drug deal go down in my back parking lot once and they didn’t have time for that). I know how hard it is to wear a mask. I have severe asthma and have trouble breathing all the time, and I do not have an exemption. BUT, I am doing it so others don’t get sick, right?

What scares me is that for the most part, I hear people repeating these mandates. Everyone is on board. The people who aren’t are shut down - comments are deleted, and people are getting reported for not following the rules (The general public was actually PROMPTED to report parties, get togethers and extra cars in driveways, particularly over Christmas). I’m NOT saying parties were a good idea - I’m saying who would do that and why? People flock like sheep when they get scared. They follow directions really well, don’t ask questions and get prodded into certain pastures where they remain ignorant and blissful.

Financial Stress & Job Security

So, the first thing that happens is everyone panics, since the media has reported cases are going up, we’re all going to get sick. Everyone has to stay home. Anxiety is up because no one wants to die. The video I posted on Facebook that talked about deaths and sickness mentioned that you probably won’t - unless you are 80 years plus, or have a compromised immune system. Those particular cases need to be careful, because a simple cold, flu or pneumonia can also cause death. However, everyone is petrified so we all listen to the rules and then we have a lockdown. Places of business are closed. The province has declared a State of Emergency. People are now out of work, their children are out of daycare. (Most daycares were closed along with schools) and daycares did not always give refunds). People are panicked again. The government hands out money. The system was so unorganized that some people got paid twice. Others didn’t realize that the payments were taxable. Where is the money coming from? The payments covered food and basic necessities. It was so bad that people had to defer vehicle payments and mortgages. (Again, this means more payments for longer and additional interest). We did not know when we could return to work. Those lucky people that could work from home did, while also attempting to take care of their children and help teach them. I know my son did not concentrate at all on anything! It was really stressful on both him and me! Those people who worked in essential industries were also lucky, but were at risk of getting sick. At the beginning, we thought of having to stay at home as a break. We were telling ourselves it was a good thing, and to use the time to improve yourself. Some people did those things - the ones that could afford to. Other people who were living paycheque to paycheque didn’t have the necessary resources. Some of these people don’t have access to phones, communication devices or electronics. People declared bankruptcy, others fell into deep depression and still others killed themselves.

Anxiety, Depression & Suicide

Last year when the kids got sent home from school for the rest of the year, I remember crying my eyes out. I cried for me and I cried for him because my six year old should never have to know what a pandemic is. His kindergarten year memories were stymied due to an illness and consequent actions. This was one cause of great anxiety for me. I work from home. I wonder how the parents who had to quit their job or take time off felt? My son does not concentrate at home - at all. I was taking time away from work to try and teach him his school work, but honestly most of my effort went to getting him to sit down before we could even begin.

This is just one example of how I started to feel anxiety during this pandemic. I suppose the biggest one was the fear of getting sick. At first, there wasn't much information about this virus. Everyone panicked and expected the worst. So of course, everyone was worried, scared and afraid of getting sick. The social distancing policies, wearing masks, no family get togethers and sending “potential” sick people home from work are just the start. I am now more afraid of not having money for food or bills than of actually getting sick. My significant other has been sent home from work more than once now for fear of being in contact with someone who was in contact with some other person who may or may not have had covid. Sounds pretty peculiar and messed up, right? The companies we work for are so worried about us getting sick that they send us home when we’re ok. But, with this illness, there’s no way to prove that. Unless you have a sufficient financial nest egg, three or four days to wait for a covid test may as well be the same as declaring bankruptcy for some.

As we know, financial stress is one of the biggest causes of anxiety and depression. Job loss, especially when your job is your life’s work and dream, can lead to suicide, as seen by the report on Global News at the end of January. Restaurants had been shut down for quite some time, and at least four Chef’s from the Edmonton area had committed suicide because they had lost their business and way of life. Bankrupty and welfare percentages are high right now, but no one is talking about it because they probably feel ashamed. The problem is, it’s affecting more than just one of us. The premier had even admitted that Alberta was already suffering from a high level of depression and suicide rates before the Pandemic even started.

I have suffered from depression in the past, and I know that it is one of the worst feelings in the world. Depression feels like I am all alone - no one can reach me, nor help me and no one cares. In this pandemic, we are forced to truly be alone, and not have outside contact other than zoom meets and FaceTime. Humans are animals, and to be completely fulfilled and healthy, we all need in-person interaction. We need love, touch, hugs and face-to-face communication. Seeing others on technology does not release the same amount of endorphins that in-person interaction does. For those healthy people, this is completely fine, but for someone who suffers from depression, it can make or break them.

I was talking to someone who is from Atlantic Canada. There are many people there who do not have money and access to technological resources - no computers, tablets, iPads, phones or any means of communication. They are by themselves, in their homes - no place to go, stuck at home and getting more and more depressed as this pandemic continues.

One of my favorite YouTubers, Rachael Stephen lives in Scotland. In a recent video she posted in February 2021, she had explained that they were in their third complete full lockdown. She had instances of laying down while the camera was filming her, and in one scene, she was looking at the camera and said “ Sometimes I want to die”. When I heard this, I cried. I cried for her, and all the other people in the world who are experiencing these feelings. I don’t know anyone well enough to hate them, but I wouldn't wish depression on my worst enemy. People are suffering from ALL AROUND THE WORLD - not only is this a time of a global pandemic; depression is also a world wide issue.

Drugs, Alcohol & Abuse

Drugs, alcohol and abuse are relatively common, but they are usually also a well-kept secret. People turn to drugs and alcohol in bad times. It’s just what we do. Add to it that we are always at home, with the same people, and situations are bound to develop. Victims of abuse are ashamed, and don’t want to get hurt worse, so they don’t tell anyone. They also do this to protect children and parents. I have never used drugs, so I do not have personal experience with it. I have known someone who did and they are no longer alive. However, I know that drugs and alcohol can make an already abusive situation worse. Add in the stress and anxiety from losing your job, and the situation is potentially very dangerous, especially for women who have lost their jobs having to watch children at home. (Not to be sexist here, but generally, men make more money so it makes financial sense for them to stay working).

Effect On Our Children

As I had mentioned earlier, our children have had to stay home from school for extended periods of time. Now, I am only 38 so I am only as wise as my years. However, I have never seen a time where schools have been shut down except for when I lived in New Brunswick and the snow was literally keeping the door shut. I remember my parents always saying they had to walk miles to school everyday, uphill both ways and their parents would beat them if they didn’t go. The drastic measures that have happened during this Pandemic are going to have ill effect on our children for years to come.

My six year old son tells me how the corona virus is “stupid” and he hates it. He doesn’t even really understand it - he only knows that he is sad because we can’t go swimming or go to the movie theatre. He will be seven at the time this Blog goes live, and he will not be able to have a birthday party with friends or family. Will his seventh birthday be the one I “forgot” to leave out of the family album because of Covid?

Children are still dealing with and trying to understand their emotions. They are not mentally equipped to deal with stress and anxiety. (That’s why you should never talk about money matters or stressful things in front of your kids). Trust me, they have enough to deal with in this day and age. They shouldn’t have to worry about how you’re going to get them to school, or whether they’ll have food in their bellies.

On top of that, how are they dealing with the stress their parents are going through? Kids may not tell us everything and they see a lot more than they let on. Some kids are dealing with abuse situations, either which have been created during the Pandemic or current abuse situations which have continued to worsen. Kids are living in homes with parents that are now alcoholics because they have lost their jobs and have no idea where they are going to live.

Kids are being pulled out of school. Just because ALL the kids got pulled out of school at the same time doesn't mean that they are all on the same level. Some kids are asked to isolate for two weeks if their class comes into contact with someone who is sick. Some of our children are special needs or have individual learning programs. Most parents are not equipped to teach their children, especially in special needs situations. What level of education will our kids be at when this is all over? These kids are the future of our world, and we need to set them up for success - not failure. In saying this, I also must say that the school system is doing their very best to support kids, but how will this Pandemic affect children in years to come?

Economy

Pre-pandemic, the oil and gas industry was at an all-time low. Now that we have far less people working than before, we have dipped to below that. We have less people contributing to taxes, less money being earned and less money being spent. The government has been handing out more money, but how long can they continue doing that for?

When I was in school taking sociology classes, they talked about how the baby boomer generation was aging. As you might know, the baby boomers take up a high proportion of our population. Once you turn 65, you are allowed to get your government pension, and there are a lot of people currently pulling pension. Along with the Pandemic, a lot of these people age 65 and over have died, thus lessening the strain on the health care system. However, that in and of itself will not pull us back from the economic sea of uncertainty that we’re currently in.

For such a long time, small businesses were closed. Only “essential” services were allowed to remain open. People from the essential businesses were sent home if there was at ALL a risk of them coming in contact with someone who was sick. So now, not only were most businesses closed, people from essential services were also being sent home and not contributing to our economy. Some companies saw HUNDREDS of people being sent home at one time as a “first” or “second” layer. (All that means is that they came into contact with other potentially sick people).

When businesses were allowed to re-open, they had to remain at a capacity safe enough to allow for social distancing. This meant still many were out of jobs. People were being told to shop locally at small businesses to help support them. However, many people were (and still are) seeing less money than pre-pandemic, and do not have enough money to shop these businesses due to inflated prices. During the first wave, we did see many small businesses close down shop due to bankruptcy.

Previous Illness & The Elderly

As stated above, many elderly people are dying. There are a higher proportionate number of elderly dying because this was the baby boomer era and the baby boomer generation took up the majority of the population.

Older people are more prone to die, since they have weaker immune systems and do not always get the nutrition they need. Plus, many people are living on their government pension alone which does not allow them the freedom for good medical care, and proper vitamins and medicine. Another issue is that a lot of elderly people are grouped together in old age homes. Once a virus that passes as easily as corona virus does from person to person gets into these areas, older people are more prone to get sick. People who have previous illnesses, surgeries, auto-immune disorders like aids are also more likely to develop serious symptoms that attack the lungs (I.e. Pneumonia).

Depressing The Immune System

Ever since I was young, I have always been told to wash my hands when coming in to eat for dinner. Mind you, growing up on a farm, my hands were usually dirty from playing outside or with the dogs. Now, it’s just common sense. Pre-Covid, everyone should have been practicing safe habits such as washing your hands and sneezing into your arm instead of your hands or out into the air.

Now that we are in the midst of a Pandemic, people have blown “keeping clean and safe” far out of proportion. We are using tons of hand sanitizer, wearing masks, keeping away from people, staying home whenever we can and washing our hands 100 million times a day until they are cracked and dry.

When I first brought my baby home, I was told to sterilize all the bottles by boiling everything for 10 minutes. Some people do this after every use, some once a week, and then there was me - I sterilized everything previously used or brought home from the store the first time, and then never again. The issue is that babies do not develop immunity until after being breastfed for a time. If a child is not breastfed at all (formula fed), they do not get their mothers natural immunity.

I believe that in order to be healthy, we need to be exposed to a healthy amount of germs. By keeping away from others, staying indoors and wearing masks, we are not allowing our bodies to use their natural defences to fight off the bugs. We are washing our hands too much, using hand sanitizer when we are not able to wash our hands. It’s almost like we’re living in sanitary bubbles. We need to be dirty to be healthy. (If that makes sense).

The scary part is, once we are “exposed” to germs again, are we going to get really sick? Will our bodies even be able to handle the most simple of germs? Will a simple cold be like having pneumonia? We are weakening our immune systems to the point that if we do get sick with ANYTHING, the end result could be very detrimental.

Vaccine & Covid Variants

Vaccines are a good thing. I’m talking whooping cough, german measles, red measles, etc. I don’t believe in the flu shot. I once got it at the insistence of my store manager, and I ended up getting so sick I couldn’t come to work for three days. The problem with the flu vaccine, is that there are so many strains of influenza, and the health care industry cannot make a vaccine for every single one. They try to make a vaccine for the most important or deadly strains, but not many people take the flu vaccine seriously.

Now for the Covid vaccine: there are still people that are anti-vaccine anything. Some people believe that there are potentially harmful ingredients in the vaccines. That is completely their choice and opinion. However, there is evidence that vaccines DO in fact benefit more than they harm. So, the problem once again shows up in the form of variants of the Virus. It is nature’s way of survival, for organism or bacteria alike. Does it only come from other countries? (Meaning travel was allowed for some people and they started to spread it?) Or did it all of a sudden originate here? The last time I watched the news, there were two variants of Covid, plus the original. I haven’t heard of any new vaccines for the new covid variants, and they most likely spread just as quickly and easily as the main virus itself.

We currently have vaccines in Canada. However, these are reserved for the health care industry, people who are directly involved with active Covid patients, or potentially sick people. They are also reserved for the elderly, who are the most at risk. Our government has informed us that both vaccine companies have put a hold on the number of vaccines previously agreed upon. This means a wait for the average healthy person.

Additionally, getting the vaccine does not prevent you from actually getting sick from covid. It may lesson the symptoms. You can still get sick from the Covid variants, as mentioned above. Also, it does not mean you cannot be an asymptomatic carrier of the virus. This means you can carry it and pass it along to other people without having any symptoms yourself. Hence, we must continue to wear masks and socially distance, even after getting vaccinated. People, at least here in Alberta have a choice to get the vaccine or not. Does this mean we will have to wear masks for an indefinate period of time? Does everyone need to get vaccinated before our lives can return to “normal”?

Similarities & Differences to Other Illnesses

At the beginning of covid, when it was just starting to spread and had yet to arrive in Canada, people were spreading information around the internet on the death rate comparison of Covid with other forms of death. During the same time period, we saw that colds and flus were still the biggest killer. Most of us scoff at the simple cold and flu.

The reason this virus is classified as a Pandemic, is because it spread so widely so quickly. You will not know if you are sick because it can take up to 14 days for a sick person to actually show signs of being sick. The spectrum of illness ranges from no symptoms whatsoever to death, but mostly in elderly people or people with comprimized immune systems. The most common sign is a dry cough, fever or chest pain.

Putting It All Together - The Social System

A lot of what I’m reading now is about people trying to make the best of the situation. (Can’t change it, so let’s try to make it look like something positive). We have been saying that for a whole year now. As we try to stay locked inside and listen to news reports about cases going down, we cheer the government on from the sidelines, because the situation is improving. But is it really? To what end is this going to bring us?

I wrote a previous blog about anxiety. My symptoms are tenfold because of restrictions, being isolated, alone, and falling into the fold of public panic created by the government and media reporting. (Trying not to be political here, but I feel the media unfairly gets blamed because we need a scapegoat). To be completely honest, I don’t think it matters who we have in government either, in regards to Covid. The government would have been condemned if they had stood by and done nothing, and they’ll still get blamed for what has happened so far, no matter what corner you’re cheering from.

On the note of anxiety, I have been experiencing serious physical symptoms - severe headaches, feelings of melancholy, wanting to do nothing with work or around the house, and tempers are short. I have had abdominal upset for over three months now. And I’m pretty sure I can’t have covid for 3 months…so don’t worry everyone - I’m safe. My only complaint is my mental capacity has reached its peak with this bull-crap we’ve had to endure.

My one main concern is how are we ever going to recover from our mental and emotional wounds? How is our society going to get back to normal? When can we be sure of a full week’s pay so we can start saving up or paying off debts? How do we explain what’s happening to our children? (As I saw on Facebook as a joke at the start of all this, any children born during this lockdown will henceforth be called the “Coronials”).

As people continue to get sick, and recover, the cases will eventually come down. What we don’t seem to understand is that the government is just prolonging the inevitable. Everyone will eventually need to be exposed to the virus for this all to “go away”. I say that lightly, because just like whooping cough, measles, influenza and the common cold, corona virus is here to stay. It is just natures way. It’s similar to a dam - you can keep the water at bay for a few years, but water will slowly erode it down - either the dam will burst or we have to re-inforce it. We have to remember that we are humans and if we continue living like this, eventually it will be the people who erode, not the dam. People need more than what they are being given right now. Our society is slowly wasting away and we need to figure out a way to get past this Pandemic.

xoxo SAN ❤️ Ps. Don’t forget to wash your hands and wear a mask! 😉

My very first journal, smaller than a 5x7 picture.

So to get into the things that I’m finally realizing today, I’m going to write a list of all my reasons and then spend some time talking about each of them. I will occasionally throw in some quotes from Karen Marie Morning (The Fever Series) which happen to be my all-time favorite books ever!

Here we go:

• My journal is the thing that listens to me when no one else wants to, cares or is too busy.

• Helps me to work through my emotions

• Lets me organize my thoughts

• Future planning

• Penmanship doesn’t really matter; I can write whatever I want, however I want without feeling judged

• Detailing special events

• Detailing the mundane day-to-day events that we forget about in the grand scheme of things.

My very first and second journal. The larger journal had scented pages!

So, when I say that I can write things in my journal so no one has to listen to me is kind of true. When I was younger, I had a lot of heartache and hard decisions, and I had a few good friends that I would constantly talk to about it. After awhile, I think I drained the relationships by talking about all the bad things that were happening to me all the time. (Remember, negativity breeds more of the same, so I was wallowing in self doubt, pity remorse, you name it). In the end, I found out some bad things were happening to one of my friends as well; the problem is, she just never told me. I wasn't in a position to pay attention because I was too busy complaining about what was happening to me. So, in the end, I learned from my mistake and started journaling all the time. Unfortunately, the friendship went up in smoke and that was that; you live, you learn. Since then, I try to work things out for myself or give myself time to think on something before I speak. It also helps to have helpful, well-balanced people in your life who want to be there to support you. But, I really try to write out how I’m feeling in my journal first and give myself time to reflect on it before burdening someone else with my issues. I find that a lot of times, my problems are usually worked out by the words I write. I reread what I write a lot, and it helps me to just let go of the negativity and be a happier person. (I’m also a firm believer in gratitude and reaping what you sow, but I will have another blog on Gratitude coming later this year).

Photo from my Peter Pauper Press Journal Collection on Youtube

Writing in my journal also helps me to work through my emotions. I’ve gone through a few deaths in my family, a few births, and some abuse. I’ve had fights with friends, family, and periods of depression and anxiety. (I’ve always thought these periods of depression were from triggers like the things I listed previously, because normally, I’m a really happy person). So when I have a trigger in my life where I experience intense emotion (good or bad), it makes me feel almost relieved to pour the thoughts into my journal. For any mother who has experienced vaginal birth, it is probably the most intense thing we’ll go through in our life time. (Other than our own birth of course, but thankfully we don’t remember that) LOL. The emotions prior to and right after delivery are very intense, and I always wrote in my journal right after birth when I was settled in. Those are the things that interest me when reading back. (Oh yes, I’ve read all of my old journals many times over). Writing helps me overcome feelings of resentment, pain and anger without actually voicing those thoughts and hurting anyone. Usually, those we love the most have to deal with the worst part of us because they are there for us all the time.

Writing also allows me to organize my thoughts. A lot of times, before we drive to Red Deer, I will talk about the things I have to do. I’ll write my packing list for me, the dogs and kids and I’ll write about all the things I want or need to do while I’m there. Sometimes I’ll also write about how I feel about it, predictions for the trip, or how I’m currently feeling. I have a planner (or 10!) but I like to write these things in my journal and then I write specific things in my planner to better plan and prepare. Sometimes this writing helps me prepare what is most important, or what I need to do first so I can maintain organization in my head and also my planner. When my Dad passed away in 2006, I poured pages of grief into my journal. I was also in charge of his estate, and at 24 years old, I had no idea what to do, what to start with or how to plan anything. Writing out my thoughts helped to ground me and find out what needed to get done first. In that situation, I also had to reach out to people who could help me because it was a lot of work.

I tend to future plan in my journal as well, kind of the same as organizing my thoughts really. I love to write packing lists in my journal instead of my bullet journal (mostly to save space in my Bujo) and I’m not afraid to highlight in it like crazy. I like writing out dreams for the future, sometimes impossible dreams and imagining what my future life will look like.

My penmanship in my journal is only as neat as how I felt like writing that day. LOL. Sometimes when reading back, I wonder why I wrote something because it won’t make sense. That sometimes happens when I’m really emotional, or writing really fast because I have a lot to say. At the same time, I really don’t care how it looks or how bad my writing is, because I’m not handing it in for marks or to be edited. (But, I did always imagine I could write a memoir or book from all the info that’s in my journals). Now that would be a very long book. LOL.

I will sometimes use my journal to plan for events, like birthdays or dinners. I know that this is something most people would do in their planner, but a few years ago, I didn't have the same planner system that I use today. Also, as I said earlier, if I know I’ll be making a mess, I’d rather leave it in my journal. When I had my babies, the first few weeks flew by and I wouldn’t remember a thing post partum without my trusty journal. Both times after delivery, I would take the time to write the details out so I wouldn’t forget a single thing, pain included. The same thing goes for when I brought baby home. That first week is a vast nothingness in memory, but I made sure to write down what I ate, when I slept, etc…
I will also detail events like Christmas and write out all the gifts everyone received, as a memory of that year. I will also write about how I felt, who attended the event, and why people cancelled. Basically all the details are something I write about, which leads me into my last topic.

You know how the day-to-day things are usually forgotten in the vast business of our lives? That’s sometimes what I write about. Not all the time though, but if I’m feeling up to it and my hand is not too sore, I will. Lately, the last year or so I’ve been experiencing pain and numbness in my right hand and I can’t feel anything up to my elbow. (My future writing prospects don’t look too good). LOL. This only happens sometimes, but my writing sessions are limited. For instance, today, I wrote this morning, talking about how productive I was last night and when my kiddo’s went to bed. I’ll write down funny things my son says and also things that make me angry or annoyed. In the morning, I wrote about what I wanted to do, plans for the day and general thoughts on how I felt about this particular time of year. (Check out my blog topic on “The Winter Blues”). Basically anything that is on my mind is what I will write about.

I hope that this topic helped you in some way. From what I understand, there are people who want to journal but don’t know what to write about, or they don’t have time. Journaling doesn’t have to be a big production. You could turn it into a line a day, or even start off small with a word a day! Bring some positivity into your life! I think a paragraph a day is good to start and then you can see how it goes. There are also journal prompts you can find online for free that will help you get started. (I.e. How do you feel? Why do you feel that way?) That sounds pretty simple, but when was the last time you asked yourself how you feel at this very moment? We usually tend to check in when we feel a big emotion, like when we’re really happy or really sad. It’s helpful to also check in during the in-between moments because sometime those are the moments that count. 🥰

💜 SAN