If you’re like me, maybe you stick close to home. I mean, I have three kids, no money and I have an online business that I’m always working on. I sometimes joke that I literally need to figure out how to clone myself so I can actually get all my work done.
I don’t belong to any community groups, and to be honest, I abhor shopping ever since Covid. I actually get anxiety when I’m around a lot of people for any length of time, and so my connection with people mostly occurs online.
The only thing that I do love to do is go to karaoke. Specifically, this small hole in the wall near my house that I can get to easily and I can rush home if there’s ever an emergency with my kids.
So when we’re talking about connecting with people in general, you can see that I already have placed a lot of limitations on myself in terms of one-on-one. I prefer to stay home rather than see people, and I actually do prefer my own company or that of my pets over most people.
Despite this feeling, (pretty much a new occurrence since covid due to the high anxiety it caused), I have actually met a lot of people. The thing is, when I decide to go out for karaoke, it’s meant to be a night out for fun. I don’t want to talk about the hard, heavy things of life. I want to simply enjoy the company of my friends, and good singing.
Plus, when you have kids (whether that’s one or 10), who honestly has the time to cultivate relationships? I don’t know about you, but despite having friendship goals, I give all of my love, attention and energy to my kids so they can be happy, healthy individuals that I have no energy or desire left over to put into other adult relationships.
For example, you work all day (either at your day job or at home), and you help the kids with homework, make sure they do all they need to do, take care of your personal needs, make food for the family and all of the things - when is there time after?
Besides for time and energy, and even bigger factor that plays into meeting new people and trying to get to know them is the trauma we all carry.
Admit it - once we hit 40, we all come with certain baggage, and I don’t care what that is. You might have childhood trauma from abuse, relatives, bad parental relationships, bullying at school, and the list continues. Then, as we progress to adults, you might have trauma from previous relationships, you might have kids, divorce(s), abuse history and the list continues there as well. Of course, we each carry our own baggage and it’s different for all of us (even if it is the same, we all have different views of it).
In my experience, this is what makes it difficult to try and relate to anyone. You would think for example, two moms with kids would be able to relate more to each other, but trust me, each of those moms are busy - honestly too busy to see each other more than once a week. Even if one mom is single and the other is married, it can be a challenge to relate to each other, because they will have completely different lives.
Trying to meet a romantic partner is even more difficult (Especially with kids). When I was single and I had my oldest son, I was terrified of dating. I wasn't looking to casually date either - I wanted to find someone who wanted me, but also wanted more kids, would care for my kid like a Dad would and also treat us right. I mean, those are all basic things but it’s really scary. Especially when it seems everyone has their own baggage and trauma - like how do we even relate anymore?
This isn’t really part of my point I’m trying to make today, but we can’t discount the internet either at making personal relations more difficult. It’s so easy to sit at a computer screen and lie about who you are or what you look like. You can feel like you know someone so well if you talk to them everyday online, but when you meet in real life, it’s like you don’t even know who they are. It’s truly very confusing.
Communication factors are supposed to be the answer to everything - but no one seems to really communicate well. Everyone says they do, but really, they have no idea how to even do it properly. I’ve had exes that have led me on for months, and I was too dense to catch on. However, turned the other way around, if you think you see red flags too soon, then you never let yourself be open to getting to know anyone on a deeper level. It’s like you can’t win no matter what you do. To try to find someone that’s exactly like you - with the same morals, communication skills and wants out of life, but still have positive and healthy differences, you’re basically looking for a needle in a haystack.
I apologize if you came here hoping to find answers for one of life’s dilemmas. I think the moral of this story is to really just find a best friend - someone you can learn to grow with and we all just cross our fingers, hoping to not get hurt in the process.
To that, I say good luck and may the odds be ever in your favour!
Sandra ❤️
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