Struggling With Hardship and How To Deal

Everyone has hardship in their lives. It can happen sporadically, without notice, and when you least expect it. But what do you do when bad thing after bad thing happens and it seems like you can’t recover? You might try to fight back initially, proving to the universe that no matter what it throws at you, you can come back bigger and stronger. But how many times can you do that, and for how long? Does it make you stronger? Wise people say it does. Does it break you? Only you can decide - the way you choose to act; will you be pro-active (i.e. saving up for an emergency fund), or will you only be able to react to each of the situations you encounter. It’s how you choose to react to a situation that will really determine the outcome.

I’ve had my share of hardships. In retrospect, a lot of them have been really good learning experiences. I always say that about things that don’t work out. You keep trying until you get it right. But when things hit me hard when I don’t expect it, that’s a whole other ball game. When I found out my son had cystic fibrosis, I was in shock. I literally am still going through the seven stages of grief. Why grief? I’m grieving the life I thought my son was going to have. I had no idea cystic fibrosis ran in my family. Then, denial - I thought I would wake up and it would all be just a bad dream. Next, came pain and guilt. Did I cause it? Well, yes, I helped to biologically make it happen. My body did this without letting me have a word in edge-wise. No, I didn't do it on purpose, but the outcome and the result was the same. I felt pain - oh my god did I feel pain. I cried for what felt like years, but was only a matter of a few weeks. I still cry every now and then. (Remember, grief is not linear and can move in any direction). Next, I felt anger - why did this happen to me? I’m a good person! I’m not evil - I didn't deserve this, and neither does a completely innocent baby. Next, I tried bargaining with the universe. I would honestly give years of my life if it would prolong the life of my son. He deserves to have a rich full life too. I mean, as a parent, I would jump in front of a moving vehicle to save any of my kids. And then…depression. I’m still here. This eternal downward spiral. I can’t shake it, I can’t move it.

The problem here is, I have kids. Even though my son has a terminal disease, he’s still here and living and breathing, and I have two other kids as well! I have a business to run, a family to sustain and I have to go on, right? I can’t just sit there and do nothing, and sleep all the time. I keep pushing and going every single damn day.

Then, other little things happen. Your spouse might wonder why you just blew up for no apparent reason, or you get this unexplained anger at the slow driver in front of you. In my case, my husband had to change jobs and was off for a week. We were doing great with money - saving, and trying to pay off debt. That one week set us back tenfold. Now I’m worried about how I’m going to make the credit card bills. The garage door stopped working. (We did finally get it working after a month with the help of my father-in-law, but the damage had already been done). I had to manually lift it every day when I left to take my son to school, and I developed intensely sore wrists. (I’ve had carpal tunnel syndrome for the last five years or so without getting anything done about it), and now I’ve expounded the situation with something as simple as a garage door motor failing.

My son almost drowned in the pool coming down the slide because he chose that time to not use a pool float. That same week, my daughter fell off her bike without a helmet and had to get a stitch. It’s funny how little things that happen start to add up. You might not think one or two things are a big deal, but they slowly add up until you feel the weight of anxiety or depression on your shoulders and you wonder how you got there.

This is one example in my life that has been one of the biggest times of hardship, but I’ve had a few others. One was when I moved across the country just prior to my graduation year. I took it hard, but didn't tell anyone else. Another was when my dad died. I was the executor of his estate - he had cancer; we were told in August, and he died that Dec. 31st. New Years Eve has always been a very difficult day for me. At that same time, I was working full time and going to school for extra credit (taking six university courses instead of the normal five to graduate early) and I still graduated with a grade of A. To this day, I still ask myself how I did it. I remember getting shingles because I was so stressed out, and it was terrible.

I think in times of great hardship, your body gets super stressed and starts to tell you. You might get a wart (or warts) - this is actually an immune deficiency; when you get run down, your body can’t defend itself properly. You might get sick with colds or flus easier, or (like in my case), get shingles. Anxiety, no sleep and depression can do a lot of harm to your body.

Acute stressors (i.e. You have a death of a loved one, but that’s it - you don’t need to deal with any of the estate, or belongings, etc…) are like a one time event - it happens, and you grieve and are terribly upset/sad/depressed, but then nothing else happens and you can complete the grieving process in a natural cycle and move on with life. (As my dad said at the end - the Dead aren’t crying, why are you?) These are the easiest types of stressors on your body. Prolonged or chronic stressors might be something like having to care for a loved one who is dying (and it takes a long time), or maybe having a large debt load. Also, if you are dealing with a terminal illness, or an illness that you will have for the rest of your life. These types of stressors are the most difficult on your body. You can’t just “get rid of it” - you are in it and it’s a part of you. You feel it every single day, and you ask yourself every day if you can get through it.

Going through a lot of little things that cause acute stress can lead to chronic stress. I have post traumatic stress disorder from some of the things that I’ve gone through in my life. They follow you along throughout life and you remember in that moment (sometimes at the worst times) how you felt and what happened, and it’s like you’re back, living in that moment once more. It’s the worst feeling in the world, and no amount of shadow work or journaling can make it go away. (Believe me, I’ve tried). Read my blog here, on Trauma & Triggers. My blog on Healing Through Shadow Work: here, and Continuing Shadow Work, here.

So how does one deal with hardship? Well recently in my case, it has been brute force. I’ll cry, get back up and keep going through my days. I don’t have the option of giving up because three little lives depend on me. I’m their mom - their everything, and I want to be the best that I can be for them. When I’m sad, I let myself cry. I let my kids see me cry to show that I’m real, I have emotions and I hurt. When they ask my whey I’m crying, I tell them “Mommy gets sad sometimes”.

Sometimes I use journaling as a form of coping. Some days it helps and honestly, other days it doesn’t. Sometimes I wake up early to have alone time and sit on my back porch and listen to the birds and thank the universe that I’m still alive. Sometimes I sneak silently into my kids rooms and watch them while they’re sleeping, and just thank the universe that they’re here too.

Honestly, I try to enjoy the good moments as much as I can in that moment. It might sound silly or corny, but if I see a beautiful sunset, I’ll watch it and enjoy it for as long as I can. If my kids say something funny, I write it down in their five year journals and then share it with as many people as I can. I watch a funny movie at least once a month. I go to karaoke (one of my favourite things to do). This lets me have adult time away from the kids, but I’m also doing the thing I love the most with other like-minded people who also enjoy singing.

I basically try to distract myself from my issues in any way that I can while still trying to deal with the issues at hand. I’ve always said that it’s best to deal with hard issues head on, but if those issues can’t be solved with a snap of your fingers, you need to find and show love, pleasure, fun and kindness to yourself whenever you can.

As always, thank you so much for reading, and I’ll see ya’ll next time, hopefully without tears!

Love, Sandra