Why Ex’s Should Remain Ex’s

How many times have you ever thought about going back to an ex? Have you done it? In my experience, it’s a bad move. Read more to find out why.

Most people site love as the most important factor in relationships. Have you ever wondered why (most) arranged marriages last longer than regular relationships? The two people may or may not even know each other at all, so cannot love each other, but they build a relationship based off of learned respect and trust, and then love eventually grows.

Love can make us do crazy things, but have you ever considered that respect and trust play just as important a role? I think a main factor in people going back to their ex’s (aka “bad relationships”), is because they figure they still love that person, but they don’t have the trust or the respect for that person.

Take for example a relationship where one partner is being abused. From my experience, I’ve only seen the side of the woman being abused. Some of my family members have been in relationships like this, and I myself have been down the same road. Now in a lot of cases, (when kids are not involved), going back to an abusive relationship involves the person having low self-worth and low self-esteem. Maybe they had a bad childhood and not many examples of good relationships growing up. Or, maybe their ex was their only form of support. Perhaps the abused person is too scared to get a job and try to support themselves, and/or they have no way to start. (i.e. no family support system). This is a vicious cycle and the only one that can make the decision to actually leave is the person being abused.

Now when kids are involved, it’s a completely different ballgame. Not only are you being hurt, but so are the kids. They may not be the ones getting abused, but you are setting them up for failure because all they see are examples of how they should also act (i.e. staying in an abuse situation). That is best case scenario, because in all likelihood, those kids are also being abused).

I feel like women always pull the short stick when it comes to marriage, kids and relationships. Women tend to make less money, and when they have kids, they also have less means to support themselves. Maternity leave keeps you from working, and also prevents you from receiving those important learning opportunities and growth from work. Women tend to be the caregivers at home because since we make less money, it makes more sense for us to stay home instead of our partner. Thus, we get stuck in this vicious cycle of raising kids, not learning the skills we need for the workplace, and either not working, or being stuck in low paying, dead end jobs that barely pay the rent. The one way to break that cycle is to figure out a way to create your own business and be able to work from home while still raising your kids. It takes a lot of dedication, energy and time, and most women don’t have that luxury.

Now let’s say your partner cheated on you. You left them because you were hurt, but essentially, they broke your trust. Cheating is more than just the physical act. Intimate conversations with someone other than your partner (especially those about your partner) is also a breach of trust. Keep that in mind if you have a flirtation going on that you “think” is going nowhere. You’re still cheating on your partner.

You’ve left, and given your emotions time to cool off. You’re hurt, but you talk it out and decide to go back, and you’re partner swears up and down that they will never cheat again; that it was a moment of weakness. Either they do actually cheat again, or, you always think they’re going to cheat again, because sister, once trust is broken, you’re never going to get that back. If on the off-chance you do have a “loving” partner that cheated and they are willing to give it their all to work on your relationship, and you accept it, you better never mention that situation again or hold it against them in an argument. Let it go and move on to better things.

Let’s say the issue is some sort of addiction, like gambling or drugs. Now this one is hard because you’re always going to keep telling yourself that they’re a good person underneath, if only they could break the addiction. I almost feel like this is the hardest to walk away from, because technically, your love is still there.

So first of all, both gambling and drugs are expensive. These issues can easily break trust because once the money is gone, there’s nothing left for the bills. This can take a financial toll on a relationship and really hurt another person, and also affects children and puts them at risk.

For some reason, some people have a tendency to find broken people; people we need to fix. (Liken it to wanting the bad boy, because for some reason, the bad boy offers a factor of danger that we are attracted to). I think this stems from trauma that happened to us as children, maybe from a parent situation. Let me tell you right now…it’s not your job to fix anyone! The only person you should be working on is yourself! Your first alliegence is to yourself and kids (or maybe kids and then yourself), but NO OTHER! We are not put on this earth to tend to men’s needs. Everything in a relationship should be reciprocal and go BOTH ways! You should expect your partner to do for you what you would do for them.

If you have left someone because they were doing drugs or had a gambling addiction, the first thing I’m going to say to you is DON’T FEEL GUILTY! It’s not your job to get them help or to make them better. That’s something only they can do for themselves.

If they ever come back into your life, it’s up to them to prove (through their actions) that they are done. You don’t need to be in a yo-yo situation, and find out that actually, they never changed, and now you’re back at square one all over again.

As much as you want it to, love doesn’t make this situation better. It makes it harder. Don’t get stuck in the cycle, and please don’t let the addict use guilt on you to get you to come back. It WILL NOT get better!

Now finally, let’s say your relationship was neither bad nor good. You simply fell out of love, and no longer share things in common. Perhaps both of you have changed and moved in different directions. So you break up.

There is a reason you broke up, and no amount of time apart or energy to try and make it work is going to make it work for you, especially in the long run. People change all the time. We change when we’re together and we change when we’re apart. If you are together, and are one of the lucky few, you can grow together. The trick is to keep doing things together that you enjoy; invest in the relationship by spending quality time together and enjoying each others’ company. Communication is key, and when you are apart for long periods, you don’t have that communication.

After awhile, it’s easy to remember the good things about a person. Don’t let that fool you into thinking that things will work a second time, because in most cases, they don’t!

Sandra ❤️