The Things That Keep Me Up At Night
Disclaimer: This article is a list of some of the things that terrify me, so if you are sensitive to that, please do not read.
Sometimes I find myself laying in bed, listening for all the creaks and weird noises the house makes when everything is still and quiet. Maybe if you are single and don’t have kids, you grow used to these noises over time. They scare me, and I start imagining all the things that could be happening. Maybe someone is trying to break into my house? Maybe my ceiling is leaking? Maybe the dryer has caught fire and my house is going to burn down.
Before I had kids was WAY different than after kids. Before, I only had myself to worry about, and I seemed to be so much more carefree and I lived more in the moment than I find myself doing now. I actively have to remind myself to live in the moment now. I also actively talk myself out of thinking of some of the things I’ll share with you today.
Some of these things stemmed from dreams, or from my beliefs, but most, similar to phobias, are simply irrational fears that I can’t talk myself out of being scared of. My phobias are a good place to start, and I only have two of those. The first, is spiders. I used to simply kill them if they were in the house. Now, I really do try to take them outside and let them go. I’m highly cognizant of the value for life and that all life serves a purpose on this Earth. BUT, it is so difficult for me to overcome this irrational fear of the eight-legged creatures. I know in my head they won’t bite (honestly, they would rather run from you than attack), but the thought of them jumping or crawling on me gives me heebie-jeebies for days. Don’t even get me started on the thought of spiders crawling on my bed. (Which did happen to me once when my son was little).
The second is a fear of deep water, particularly, lakes. I do not say oceans here, because I have never visited the ocean, and I could only imagine myself walking in the surf or sitting on the beach. I have had much more experience with lakes, as I have lived in Alberta, Canada for the majority of my life. Sometimes even 20ft-deep swimming pools make me feel anxious. I do know how to swim, but anyone who swims knows that if you panic or feel anxious in water, it seems to make it that much harder to swim. Lakes can be deep, and the water is dark and most of the time, dirty, so you can’t see in it or through it. I always wonder what may be lurking in the depths. (Lochness Monster anyone?). I won’t even go out in a small boat or canoe in fear of it capsizing. Walking on a pier instills almost the same fear in me, especially when you can feel the wood shift under your feet from the movement of the water.
Alright…so we have covered the irrational fears. Some of the next things are irrational as well, or, they’re something that I can’t really change or take action against. For example, a big meteor hitting and destroying Earth. There is nothing that I personally can do to stop that, and yet, it is something that crosses my mind quite frequently. The last time I thought about it was when my son had a dream about it and woke up in a state of panic. It’s really hard trying to calm a child, and talk them down from that scared place when you honestly can’t tell them it won’t ever happen. Just because it hasn’t happened yet, doesn’t mean it can’t ever happen. I’ve had dreams in my past as well where this has happened, most likely my brain trying to deal with this terrible thought, and it really scares me.
Something similar is aliens invading Earth. (Yes, I know…laugh your behind off). I’ve had multiple dreams of this happening. There was a day I was sitting at my kitchen table, around 10:00am doing some journaling. I looked up at the sky and I had this incredible sense of deja vu from one of my alien dreams. The sky was exactly (or at least the sense it gave me) the way it was in my dream and a shiver went down my spine. Just a side note by the way…I dream in color and I do write down all the dreams I remember, and I find it helps me to remember them far better as you keep doing it. I always do this right when I wake up, so I don’t forget. I also find that even if I do write them down, I’ll go back a year later to re-read them, and have no recollection of that dream whatsoever. (But, there are and have been certain dreams that have stuck with me through the years).
The next few are things are much more likely to happen. The first is a break in. In my entire adult life, the most secure places I have lived in have been apartment buildings. (Since the doors generally have more than one lock, are usually quite heavy and people need to have access to the front door as well). I had once incident once where a guy was trying to open my front house door. The windows were closed so he couldn’t see in, but he turned the handle a few times. It creeped me out, but I think he was just drunk and thought he was going to a place he knew. Still, the thought of someone breaking in scares me so much because I don’t know how I would handle it. Sure, material things are just things, and what matters most is your family’s safety. But still, what gives someone the right to damage your property, put you and your kids at potential risk and steal your stuff? The problem is, that you can’t hurt them with a gun, knife or anything really, because you can be put in jail for it, even if they’re the ones who broke in. Plus, they can personally sue you for damages to their person. Doesn’t make a lot of sense, huh?
Another fear of mine is fire. House fires are pretty common and can happen many different ways. Besides intentional arson, the dryer (if not hooked up properly can cause a fire) - this is why I always only run the dryer during the day when I know I am awake, and home. Also, electrical shortages or damages to your electrical outlets can cause a fire. Anything close to a heat source (hear me out candle lovers!) ALWAYS make sure you supervise a lit candle and have something under it at all times that will help to prevent fire. It should be set on a flat surface, away from pets or kids. My mom told me that a lady in her apartment building actually had a tall stick/tapered candle standing in the middle of her rug, lit and not supervised. I can only imagine all the possibilities of that. Why would you take such risks, not only to yourself but to others who have to live in the same building as you. (I’m talking about anyone living in a townhouse, rowhouse, apartment building, duplex, etc…) This is another issue… I live in a duplex, and I always worry about if the neighbours are safe as well. Since we’re attached, if their house burns, so does mine. I never leave the house if my oven is on, I always double check if the burners are turned off and some people even unplug their toaster every day.
This next one is more spiritual…as soon as I turn off the bedroom light, the pillows and extra blanket on my chair turns into a hulking demon ready to pounce. The creak on the stairs turn into a spirit slowly creeping up. The lights on the ceiling peeking through my curtains are witch’s eyes, hovering over me in the dark. Yes, I’ve watched too many horror movies, and I dream a lot about spirits and witches. Yet sometimes I feel a restless energy moving in my house and it sometimes makes me cover my head with my blanket and pray that the feeling goes away.
I’ve gone through three deaths of close family members and I have been thinking a lot about death lately. I know that it’s part of the cycle of living, but I’m also afraid of it. Maybe because I feel like I have a lot more living to do before that time comes, or at least I hope so. I’m more afraid of the idea of one minute being here, and then the next you’re not. (I haven’t come to the idea of there being an afterlife yet. I am not religious, and even though I think spirits are real, I can’t imagine being around in the sense that you can still see or hear or be around the people you love). I think I’m more afraid of my kids not having a mother, or my husband not having a wife (namely, me). This sounds selfish, but I can’t imagine how everyone would go on without me, and yet we do it everyday for those that pass away, even though we sometimes don’t want to.
I’m afraid of something bad happening to my kids. I can’t even write this one down in fear that I’ll manifest it, but I just can’t go there. I know when I first gave birth to my son, I started imagining all the terrible things that could happen now that this tiny human was in my care. I imagined what would happen if I fell while carrying him. (Actually, this might have happened if my sister hadn’t been carrying my son when I fell down the stairs one time). I obtained an injury then that still hurts me to this day). Children can run fast and you need to watch that they don’t run onto the road. I’m petrified that my kids will run off and someone will kidnap them. Once I had a dream that my son fell into a lake and I dove in but couldn't find him.
This next fear stems from a terrible dream I had - in it, there was a mass shooting in the apartment building across from my house. In my dream, I was so scared I couldn't move…all I could hear was the gun going off every second and constant screaming. I woke up in a cold sweat, and I almost didn't want to leave the house that day or take my son to school. This is something that we don’t see too much of in Canada (thank goodness), and it’s much more common in the United States. It’s hard to imagine the feeling of something terrible like this happening, and I pray that it stops and people do not have to experience what that is like.
For those of you who could handle this article, thank you for reading and following along on my journey with me.
❤️ SAN
